• Hi Guest, The forum will be moving hosts on 26 July and as such will be closed from Midday until the move has completed.
    As we will be with new hosts it may take a while before DNS get updated so it could take while before you can get back on the forum.
    I think it will take at least 4 hours but could easily be 48!
    Ark Royal
  • There seems to be a problem with some alerts not being emailed to members. I have told the hosts and they are investigating.
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a 20% discount on Inform Racing.
    Simply enter the coupon code ukbettingform when subscribing here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Inform Racing so help is always available if needed.
    Best Wishes
    AR
  • Sorry for the ongoing issues that you may have been experiencing whilst using the forum lately

    It really is frustrating when the forum slows down or Server Error 500 pops up.

    Apparently the hosts acknowledge there is a problem.
    Thank you for using our services and sorry for the experienced delay!
    Unfortunately, these errors are due to a higher server load. Our senior department knows about the issue and they are working towards a permanent resolution of the issue, however, I'd advise you to consider using our new cPanel cloud solutions: https://www.tsohost.com/web-hosting


    I will have to investigate what the differences are with what We have know compared to the alternative service they want us to migrate to.
    Keep safe.
    AR
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a free 7 day trial of Horseracebase here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Horseracebase so help is always available if needed, as well as dedicated section of the fourm here.
    Best Wishes
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.​




The 1st passenger said, 'I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, 'I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die.' He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, 'My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.'

The little boy said, 'That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag.;)
 

Sandhog

Gelding
Regarding Camel cigarettes:
when we were in the Middle East, old lags used to say that when the leg of the camel in the picture on the fag packet starts to look sexy, you've been too long in the desert.
It was true, imo.:eek:
 

Had the most bizarre experience before the quarantine, when I sat down in a movie theater and noticed that the man in front of me had brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.​


The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and I was astounded.

When the lights come up I tap the dog's owner on the shoulder and tell him, "I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie."

The dog owner looks at the dog and nods. "I know, it really is weird," he says, "because he absolutely hated the book." ;)
 

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.​


"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!";)
 

A man decides to visit Germany with his dog for 2 weeks.​


He wishes to experience German culture during the winter. So, he visits an ice rink. As soon as the man steps foot on the ice, the dog darts forward, excited about his new surroundings. The dog proceeds to fall through a thinner patch of ice. The man leaps forward to save his dog, but another man dives in and pulls the dog to safety. The German man explains he is a nearby resident who saw what was about to happen. The other man, realizing his dog will need help as soon as he can get asks,

"Are you a vet?"

The German man replies, "Vet? I am soaking!";)
 

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.​


and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or anything to help him, and so he just stared at the fries, looking at its color as it turned from white to yellow, compensating for the fact that the oil was too, yellow.

Everyone was usually in awe of him because his fries were always yellow crispy perfect. And many customers came flocking to this particular McDonalds just for his fries.

However today, out of the corner of his eyes , he spied the newest happy meal toy, the talking electric pikachu, licensed by Nintendo . As an avid pokemon fan he couldn't help but pick up the toy and pull down on the tail marked with the 'down' arrow.

'Pikachu!' it went.

Delighted, he pulled on the lightning bolt shaped tail again...

'pikapikapi!'

absolutely thrilled he was at the possible variations of voice recordings the little rodent could provide, he pulled at the tail another thirty more times. ‘Pika?' it went, 'pikachuuuuuu!' and so on until he counted that there were fifteen in all.

Suddenly, he received a tap on his shoulder. He turned, only to face his supervisor holding a metal basket full of blackened fries.

"No human is infallible, as much experience as you have in the culinary arts, you must never be so complacent nor arrogant in your abilities, there are tools of this trade that you can make use of which will help you perform effectively! you have neglected one of the fundamental precepts of our trade! I do not wish to have to say it, or I would be doubly disappointed in you! You do know what I am speaking of do you not?"

The chef hung his head low, and ashamedly remained quiet, pondering over his obvious mistake, one that he had never imagined he would ever make.

"Tell Me!!!" demanded his supervisor...

The kitchen grew quiet as the crew stopped their activities, turning to both of them, just to hear the age old adage :

"Time fries when you're having fun.";)
 

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on their holidays.​


They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. They packed colorful shirts, shorts, swim trunks and sandals, and each brought sunglasses.

The morning after they arrived, they went to the beach, wearing swim trunks and t-shirts. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when gorgeous topless woman came walking straight towards them. They tried not to stare, but the temptation was strong.

As the woman passed them, she smiled and said, “Good Morning, Fathers.” They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went to a store on the island and bought garish Hawaiian shirts, Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous woman, topless again, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said “Good morning, Fathers.”

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, “Young lady, we are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied, “Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.” ;)
 

A man and his wife were on a driving holiday and looking for a hotel for the night.​


When they found one the manager said "Yes, we have a room and it’s $100 for the night.”

That was a well outside their budget, so they politely turned the offer down and asked if there was anywhere cheaper in the vicinity.

The manager replied "Yes, in fact there is an old hotel just up the road and it's only $25 a night but, I'll warn you now, there have been many reports of the place being haunted.”

The couple thought nothing of it and made their way to the cheaper hotel.

When they arrived, they paid the $25 and, out of curiosity, asked the manager about the reported hauntings.

The manager said "Oh that's just my rivals trying to drive me out of business. I've never seen any sign of a ghost in the two hundred and fifty years I've been here.”;)
 

My wife called me from her work today and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!" I muttered...​


"That's probably why they got flowers then..."
 

After five months on the job, a new employee believes he deserves a huge raise and decides to ask his boss.​


“And how much of a raise do you want?” asks his boss.

“I’m thinking an extra $10,000 a year,” says the employee.

The boss nods. “Sounds about right. And what would you say to a package of ten weeks vacation, 20 paid holidays, and a company car leased every two years, say, a silver Cadillac?”

The employee sits up straight. “Wow!” he says. “Are you kidding?”

*“Yes, but you started it.”*;)
 

I'm planning a camping holiday but, I have to say, I'm far from impressed with my travel insurance.​


It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night, I'll no longer be covered.;)
 

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.​


“Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".

"You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest pleasure in life is going on holiday without your wife, and meeting a beautiful girl with whom you have a passionate love affair with before returning home back to work".

"You are both wrong" scoffs the Russian. "The greatest pleasure in life is when you are sleeping at home and the KGB breaks your door down at 3 AM, bursts into your room and says 'Ivan Ivanovich, you are under arrest' and you can reply 'Sorry tovarisch, Ivan Ivanovich lives next door'".;)
 

A policeman walks by a street vendor​


Policeman:”What are you selling?”

Vendor:” Apple seeds... $5 a pop!”

Policeman:”What???Why would anyone want to eat apple seed?”

Vendor:” They make you smarter!”

Policeman:” OK, give me one (swallows it)... wait a minute? For $5 I could have bought a pound of apples and got myself at least 20 seeds!”

Vendor:” See!!! You’re smarter already!”

Policeman:” WOW, you’re right... Give me two more, quick!” ;)
 

A policeman pulls over a speeding Ferrari.​


He looks through the window and to his annoyance sees a rebellious looking teenager.
The policeman decides he's going to teach this spoiled kid a lesson.
He takes a piece of chalk and draws a circle on the floor.

"Get out of the car and stand in the circle. If I see you step out, I'll arrest you." he orders the driver.

The teenager sighs "Whatever."
He stands in the circle.

The policeman takes his stick and smashes the front window. He turns around to see the teen's reaction.
The teenager smirks.

"Oh you think thats funny? Watch this!" yells the enraged policeman. He proceeds to smash the back windows. But when he turns round, the teenager is still smirking.

Furious, the policeman really goes to work. After two minutes, the car is a wreck. He turns around and sees the teenager stifling a laugh.

"ARE YOU CRAZY? WHAT IS SO FUNNY??"

The rebellious teen looks up defiantly.
"When you weren't looking, i stepped out of the circle *four times*!!";)
 

Policeman: How could you kill...​


...69 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver: I was driving at 80km/h when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realized they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.

Policeman: Hit the 2 men of course!

Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran towards the wedding party so l followed him.;)
 

They broke into the policeman's house​


Three guys broke into the policeman's house, but the policeman arrived home. The burglars got scared and they hid in three huge bags they had found. The policeman got suspicious. He kicked the first bag. Meow - replied the bag. Ok, that's just the cat. Then the policeman kicked the second bag. Woof woof - said the bag. Ok, that's just the dog. Finally, the policeman kicked the last bag. Nothing. He kicked it again. Nothing. He kicked it again, this time really hard. And the bag replied: pOTatOeS, yoU IDiOT!;)
 
Top