• Hi Guest, The forum will be moving hosts on 26 July and as such will be closed from Midday until the move has completed.
    As we will be with new hosts it may take a while before DNS get updated so it could take while before you can get back on the forum.
    I think it will take at least 4 hours but could easily be 48!
    Ark Royal
  • There seems to be a problem with some alerts not being emailed to members. I have told the hosts and they are investigating.
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a 20% discount on Inform Racing.
    Simply enter the coupon code ukbettingform when subscribing here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Inform Racing so help is always available if needed.
    Best Wishes
    AR
  • Sorry for the ongoing issues that you may have been experiencing whilst using the forum lately

    It really is frustrating when the forum slows down or Server Error 500 pops up.

    Apparently the hosts acknowledge there is a problem.
    Thank you for using our services and sorry for the experienced delay!
    Unfortunately, these errors are due to a higher server load. Our senior department knows about the issue and they are working towards a permanent resolution of the issue, however, I'd advise you to consider using our new cPanel cloud solutions: https://www.tsohost.com/web-hosting


    I will have to investigate what the differences are with what We have know compared to the alternative service they want us to migrate to.
    Keep safe.
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

Delboy99

Mare

In a restaurant​


I went into a restaurant and ordered everything in Chinese, which surprised everyone in the Italian restaurant. I ordered the chicken and noticed how cold it was.

I said "Hang on, this chicken's cold"

The waiter said "I'm not surprised, it's been dead 2 weeks"

I said "And one of it's legs is shorter than the other"

The waiter asked "Do you want to eat it or dance with it?"

I was annoyed, so I said "Nevermind the chicken, bring me a lobster instead"

The waiter took back the chicken and brought me a lobster with one claw.

I asked "Why has this lobster only got one claw?"

The waiter said "It was in a fight"

So I said "Then bring me the winner";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....​


The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye.Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he's temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around.Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up.While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking.One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.

‟No, she will never go for a man with a wooden eye,” the man says.

‟Okay, how about that girl over there?” His friend responds.‟She has a really big nose”.

The man walks over to the girl and asks, ‟Would you like to dance?”

Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses ‟Would, I?! Would I?!”

To which the man quickly responds ‟Big nose! Big nose!” ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A Catholic priest announces at church one day, "I will be in Rome next week. If any of you have a wish, I will light a candle in Rome so that the wish will come true."​


A woman announces, "My husband and I have been married for several years, but have never borne any children. Can you light a candle so that we can have children?"

"I will do that," says the priest.

Five years later, the woman says to the priest, "Since you went to Rome and lit that candle, I have given birth to two pairs of twins and a set of triplets, and now I am pregnant with quadruplets!" She then gives the priest a plane ticket to Rome.

"You are too kind," says the priest. "You don't need to thank me."

"I'm not thanking you," says the woman. "I just want you to blow out that candle." ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.​


'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.';)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Irish Birth Control​


Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan? And didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week And I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...' they then parted ways..

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?' She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me ,have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles,ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.';)
 

Sandhog

Filly
I'm from Ireland, but, we have to have a laugh!
Bernard Manning used to be always on about having a laugh. He was a former altar boy.
:)
Btw, you're getting two "likes" above for what is , in essence, the same old joke. That's good value!
Keep up the good work! :party:
 

Sandhog

Filly
"Wotcha reckon of the weather, Paddy?"

" Era, look it, a day's wet rain would do more good in a week, than a month o' showers would do in a fortnight."
And, dat's the truth, so it is."

Ya might as well ask Aidan as you, Pat, for all the sense we get.

Agh, now, listen, Richie, they're all lovely horses: the best we ever had on four legs, so they are". The lads are delighted altogether.

Never mind yer old baloney, Pat, what about the ratings? And, anyway, you don't know nuffin about VDW, wot he wrote in 19 Oh Dot an all that.:snooty:😇
 

Delboy99

Mare

Guy: Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant​


Guy: Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the condom has never broken. How is this possible?

Doctor: let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion the hunter used the umbrella like a gun and shot the lion, then it died.

Guy: Nonsense!! Someone else must have shot the lion

Doctor: Good, you understand the story. Next patient please..;)
 

Delboy99

Mare
Ethyl and Gladys walk the same route every day, and they stop at the same bench to smoke a cigarette before finishing their walk back to their apartments.

One day, just as they lit their cigarette, it starts to rain. Neither ladies brought umbrellas.

Gladys, the innovator she is, takes a condom with the tip cut off and rolls it over her cigarette, so she can keep smoking. Ethyl, completely confounded by this move remarks:

E: “What is that?! I need one!”

G: “Oh this? Just go to the pharmacist, and tell him you need some condoms.”

So Ethyl decides right then and there she needs to get condoms immediately. She takes a detour on her way home that day and visits the pharmacy. She walks up to the teenager working the counter at the pharmacy and says:

E: “I’d like a pack of condoms please.”

P: “Ma’am, aren’t you a little bit old to ... you know?”

E: [taken aback by this] “Excuse me?! I’ve been doing this since I was a teenager!”

Realizing the guy working there had no room to speak, he asks what size she’ll need.

E: “Oh I need ones that will fit a Camel.”;)
 
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