• Hi Guest, The forum will be moving hosts on 26 July and as such will be closed from Midday until the move has completed.
    As we will be with new hosts it may take a while before DNS get updated so it could take while before you can get back on the forum.
    I think it will take at least 4 hours but could easily be 48!
    Ark Royal
  • There seems to be a problem with some alerts not being emailed to members. I have told the hosts and they are investigating.
  • Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a 20% discount on Inform Racing.
    Simply enter the coupon code ukbettingform when subscribing here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Inform Racing so help is always available if needed.
    Best Wishes
    AR
  • Sorry for the ongoing issues that you may have been experiencing whilst using the forum lately

    It really is frustrating when the forum slows down or Server Error 500 pops up.

    Apparently the hosts acknowledge there is a problem.
    Thank you for using our services and sorry for the experienced delay!
    Unfortunately, these errors are due to a higher server load. Our senior department knows about the issue and they are working towards a permanent resolution of the issue, however, I'd advise you to consider using our new cPanel cloud solutions: https://www.tsohost.com/web-hosting


    I will have to investigate what the differences are with what We have know compared to the alternative service they want us to migrate to.
    Keep safe.
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

Delboy99

Mare

So a three masted sailing ship is leaving port...​


... just a day out of port the captain is standing on the deck when the lookout calls down "Sir! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"

The captain turns to his cabin boy and shouts "Bring me my red shirt!"

After the cabin boy brings him the red shirt and he puts it on, the two ships close to fighting range and fight all day, with many heroics on both sides, but with the captain and his red shirt standing alive and victorious as the other ship sinks behind them in the sunset light.

Later that night the cabin boy is curious and asks the captain why he needed his red shirt, and the captain replies "Well, with my red shirt on, none of the men would see me bleeding if I was wounded, and so they would not lose heart and continue to fight on to victory!"

The cabin boy thinks that's pretty clever and goes to bed for the night.

The next day, the captain is standing on the deck as they sail along when the lookout shouts down "Sir! Twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"

And the captain turns to his cabin boy and says "Bring me my brown pants!";)
 

BC

Yearling
Paddy got a call from his doctor. “I’ve some bad news for you… you have cancer, and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.”

Paddy, shocked and saddened by the news, managed to compose himself. He saw his son, who had been waiting. Paddy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer, and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Paddy’s old friends, who asked what the two were celebrating. Paddy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad… he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.”

The friends gave Paddy their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Paddy’s son leaned over and whispered, “Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!”

Paddy said, ”I am dying from cancer, son. I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”
 

Delboy99

Mare

A fortune teller sat in his tower, practising seeing into the future.​


Instead of using tarot cards or a crystal ball to read the future, he used fine cloth he imported from the East. One day, as he was peering into the future, a strong guest of wind blew through his open window, carrying the cloth straight out the other one. With it being his sole future-seeing cloth, he began chasing his prized possession.

The fortune teller ran down the stairs, across the empty plains, and into a small village before he finally caught up to his cloth. When he got to it, he discovered his beautiful Asian cloth caught in a grindstone. He pulled it out, only to find it torn up and covered in wheat dust. Nonetheless, it was the only thing he had, so he returned to his tower.

When he finally got home, he shut the windows, dusted off his piece of fabric, and began seeing into the future again. Right when he was about to get a glimpse of time unseen, the cloth suddenly erupted into flames, causing a small explosion and singeing the man's eyebrows.

The moral of the story?

Don't cry over milled silk. ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

The Night the Eiffel Tower’s Lights Went Out​


One fateful night, the lights on the Eiffel Tower went out. It was, of course, a national tragedy for all of France and quite a problem, not the least of which being the fact that airplanes could very easily fly right into the thing.

The French government called every last engineer or electrician they could think of, and each one tried to fix the lights with no success. It was a baffling, befuddling problem that it seemed nobody could solve.

Then, out of nowhere, a man with the smallest hands anyone had ever seen came to the French officials and said, “I’ll do it. I’ll fix lights.”

The officials asked him what qualifications he had.

“None.”

They asked him his plan.

“None.”

The officials laughed, but they were out of options. So they sent the man up to the top of the tower with no hope that he could succeed.

But he did.

Within minutes, the lights on the Eiffel Tower shined brighter than they ever had. The officials were stunned, but elated. As the small-handed man came back down from the tower, they regaled him and hailed him as a national hero.

One question remained, however.

“How’d you do it? How’d you fix it?”

The man’s speech was poor, and he said few words, but he did say this:

“Mini hands make light work.”;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A russian village has a tradition...​


...where each year they they hold a very unusal contest, that consists of 4 challenges: First, the contestants must down a bottle of vodka, then they must swim across an icy lake, third they must shake hands with a chained up wild bear on the other side, and finally they have to run to the closest village and make love to the most beautiful girl there.

The first contestant, 19 yeard old Yuri slowly manages to drink the bottle of vodka, jumps into the icy waters and dies shortly after due to hypothermia.

The second contestant, Vlad, the local huntsman downs the vodka, just about manages to swim across the lake, but as he tries to shake hands with the wild animal, it catches him, and tears him to pieces.

The third contestant, Igor, a broad shouldered, ex-spectnaz, tower of a man downs the bottle of vodka, then asks for another bottle to boast. He drinks that as well, swims across the lake in a minute, goes up to the bear, breaks its schakles and starts wrestling with it. During the scuffle, they stumble into the forest, and out of sight. In about twenty minutes Igor walks out of the woods, all torn up, his clothes ripped to shreads. He shouts across the lake to the onlookers:

"Now, where's that girl I'm supposed to shake hands with?" ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

A blonde, a brunette, and a ginger,​


All three girls die at the same time and at the staircase to heaven the angel says "okay on every step is a joke and if you can go up all 1000 steps you will go to heaven but if you laugh you will go down to hell."

So the brunette says "sounds easy" but when she makes it's to the 100th step she laughs and gets sent to hell.

The ginger makes it to about step 300 and giggles so she also gets sent straight to hell.

Now the blonde gets all the way up to the 999th step and all of a sudden just burst out laughing so the angel goes up to her and asked "what? Why would you laugh you were so close to heaven?"

And so she says "I just got the joke from the first step!";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Bill’s had a tough week, so he decides to have a little fun​


It was Friday evening, it had been payday and Bill had really had a tough week.

So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his buddies and in the process blow his entire weeks salary.

When he finally arrived home on Sunday evening he was confronted by his angry wife and, needless to say, she hurled abuse at him for nearly two hours in a tirade befitting his irresponsible actions.

Finally, as she stopped shouting at him, his wife said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

“That would be fine with me,” Bill responded unwisely.

Monday went by and Bill didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

However, on Thursday, the swelling had gone down sufficiently for Bill to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Old Age Fun​


Elizabeth and Gladys were stuck in an old folks home and bored to tears. So they decided to have a little fun and excitement. They go into the closet and strip naked. Then they run through the card room were two old fellas are playing cards. Tom saids to Jim ," wow did you see that"? Jim says yes... well what did they have on?.... I don’t know, but it sure needed ironing!;)
 

BC

Yearling
⚽️ Wembley tickets ⚽️

🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 England v Scotland 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

18 June 2021

Do you know anyone who might be interested?

A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for England v Scotland. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them that it was going to be the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding. If you know anyone who might be interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at Glasgow Registry Office, at 2.30pm. The bride's name is Chloe, she's 5'7", blonde, about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.
 

Delboy99

Mare

A dog enjoys a cinema​


A man follows a woman with a dog out of a cinema.

He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I noticed that your dog really seemed to be enjoying the movie.

"He cried when it was sad, he barked at the bad guy, and he laughed at the funny parts."

I didn't understand why was he howling at the end though?

"Oh he hates when the director changes the ending from the book." she replied, ;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

An Old Man approaches the window of A Cinema with A Chicken on His Shoulder & asks for 2 Tickets​


An Old Man approaches the window of A Cinema with A Chicken on His Shoulder & asks for 2 Tickets.

The Girl at the Counter wants to know who is going in with Him.

He replies, "Well, My Pet Chicken, of course."

"I'm sorry," The Girl tells him. "We can't allow Animals in the Cinema."

The man goes around the corner & stuffs the Chicken into His Trousers.

He returns to the window, buys His Ticket & goes in.

Inside the Cinema, the Chicken starts to get hot & begins to squirm.

So the Man unzips His Trousers so that the Chicken can stick It's Head out & watch the Film.

Seated next to Him is A Woman. She looks over at His Lap & is horrified.

She Elbows Her Friend Agnes & whispers, "Agnes, This Man over here has just Unzipped His Trousers."

Agnes whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it. You've seen One. You've seen them all."

Madge says, "I Know. But this One is Eating My Popcorn.";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

My Grandad knew that The Titanic was going to sink.​


He told every man, woman and child that the ship was going to sink.

They hushed him up.

He shouted "The ship is going to hit an iceberg and sink"

Stiĺl they tried to silence him.

He shouted even louder, "THE TITANIC IS GOING TO HIT A ICEBERG AND SINK!"

That was it! He'd been warned, so they threw him out of the cinema.;)
 

Delboy99

Mare

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.​


A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first guy out bangs his head on the doorframe" Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money"

Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again";)
 

Delboy99

Mare

An elderly couple are at the cinema...​


About halfway through the film, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'


He replies, 'You should put a new battery in your hearing aid.';)
 
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